The Green Room

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Today was another busy day. Lots of stuff to do, work work work!

I saw the Cubs play the Marlins last night at Wrigley field... that was cool! They lost in extra innings but they played a good game.

I started talking to her again over the weekend and now we're talking about getting together next weekend. I'm not sure if this is a smart thing for me to do because I might end up getting hurt again but if I don't try I will never know... and I don't ever want to wonder.

I love this girl and I can't do anything about it...

Saturday, October 04, 2003

A great site to get the 411 on Chicago.

inside-chicago.com

Friday, October 03, 2003

What a hectic day this has been. Meetings, meetings, meetings.

If you know anything about Active-Active Clustering with MS SQL Server please let me know!


Thursday, October 02, 2003

This is where I work! :-)

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OK, last time I'm posting today. I'm sad, frustrated, lonely and horny.

I wish I could rewind my life to June 1st, 2003 -- I'd change it all.

I promise, tomorrow's posts will be less "downy".

-green
And if all that's not bad enough... I had to leave my puppy behind too!
I moved to Chicago hoping to leave an old job behind and start a new one. I was hoping to have my girlfriend with me, at least in spirit. You see, she's going to school in Michigan and was already two hours from my old house. My move to Chicago just added two more hours to my regular trip. She'd like to think of herself as supportive and loving, but in reality, she's neither of those. I don't know what is missing from her but whatever it is, it causes her to push the people who love her away.

She says she had something very horrible happen to her just a few years ago... this thing is so horrible that I could see how it could screw up anyone. But now I'm in a position where I don't even know if what she told me was true because she has lied to me before and, surprisingly enough, she now seems capable of lying about something as horrible as that. Either way, I don't have her now and I've never felt lower, ever.

I don't know why I'm still tearing myself up about this... I mean, she lied to me, she treated me like I didn't exist, and she was so fake. I sometimes wonder how I was able to fall in love with someone like her, someone I might normally disregard as another non-human. But I guess that's what they mean when they say you don't choose who you fall in love with, it just happens. I have never loved anyone like this... noone ever received the about of love I gave her.

I think that's why it hurts so much. I feel like I gave her all of me and a promise to have that forever. She was the one I picked, she was the one for me. By her leaving that makes all of that energy I gave, those feelings, those thoughts, they all mean nothing now. It's probably one of the worst feelings I've ever had, worse then when my father died, worse then anything else I can think of. I feel like my heart, my chest, my soul, was ripped out of my body and stepped on.

My problem is that I set these high expectations and until now, I typically achieved them. I've never set expectations for a girl before because I've never really cared. I'd never been in love before her so I never had any emotion invested. Now that I've had that I don't know if it's worth it...

I want this feeling to end and I want to go back to being happy. Right now I feel like the only way to do that is to have her back but that's not possible now.

So for now, I'm going to remain as I am. Lost. (listening to the Johnny Cash's cover of "Hurt"... that sums up life right now)

-green
OK, so I started this a long time ago with the intention of posting at least occasionally. I guess now is the time that I actually need to make a post.

Anyone out there know what it's like to lose everything... or at least feel like you've lost everything? I mean, I took a new job in Chicago, making more money but around the same time, and only partially related, I lost the women I had picked to spend the rest of my life with.

No, we weren't married. In fact, we'd only been dating for a few months but I knew she was the one.

I've never been like this before -- constantly depressed with this feeling like I've made a huge mistake and it's going to impact the rest of my life.

It's incredibly lonely.

-green

Thursday, February 27, 2003

What a day -- worthy of the creation of this blog and my first entry!

It's almost 3:00 AM and I'm just getting off work. There was another crisis situation and of course, I was there to fix it. A co-worker was also there with me, we got some pizza and dug into some code. I haven't coded in a while since I've been project managing but it was kinda refreshing to see those system fonts and color-coded, syntax hightlighted pages.

Made plans for a Saturday party at the loft... gotta make a few phone calls but I think we're set!

Anyway -- I'm going to bed!

-green